Some days are really just painfully normal, even when we’re out on tour. Also, there’s not too much we can do when it’s snowing and in the 20’s during the day. “Come in the spring” they said, “It’s beautiful here” they said… well played, Montana. We’re bringing snow gear next time. 

Anyway, since our days can’t always provide entertainment, perhaps we can. 

Go with me now…

Because Jared and I were discussing the new Dracula starring Willam Defoe over dinner, and Jared said, “Hmmm. That’s interesting. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him do an accent. He would need a Romanian accent for Dracula.” I said, “Well, he’s a pretty phenomenal actor, I’m sure he could do it. But, maybe that’s not his acting choice. Perhaps HIS Dracula is from Texas, so he just needs a southern drawl.”

And so our idea was born. 

Dracula. From Texas. Played by Willam Defoe. Practically writes itself. I’m calling it, “Night Church”.

Posing as an evangelical preacher who only sets up after dark, our “hero”’s name will be Pastor Vlad Boone, the charismatic stranger from the north who sets up a tent for repentance and miracles right outside the town. He brings people into his tent for “healing”, but bites them instead, turning them into part of his “flock”. Once bitten, the victims are gifted a red paisley bandana to wrap around their necks and encouraged to go forth and spread the good word. 

Yes, he would ride a horse. Yes, it’s name would be Tom Cruise. He would sleep under a hay bale during the day and rise up at dusk, donned in a black Stetson and starched Wranglers, riding Tom Cruise around the town to recruit sinners. 

His nemesis will be the ever-skeptical, Sheriff Johnny Harkens, or “Hark” for short, as he’s always heard to announce, “Sheriff Hark, who goes there?” when approaching the bad guys. He knows something fishy is going on but can’t just outright shoot the preacher. So, he throws a town bbq at night and invites Vlad. 

Ironically, a steak through the heart doesn’t kill MY Dracula. It’s much more sinister than that. He would choke on an actual piece of steak, cooked poorly by the sheriff at the bbq and die that way. 

Then, as the screen is fading, you see the sheriff laughing over the asphyxiated body of Preacher Boone, tie a red bandana around his own neck and stare with red eyes into the distance!!! Somewhere, Tom Cruise whinnies. 

The sequel will be twice the ride. 

I haven’t worked out all the details, but I’ll be pitching this skeletal version to Quentin Terrentino as soon as we wrap on tour. It’s a blockbuster hit. I’m sure he’ll pick it up. 

“Night Church: He’ll Yee Hawnt your dreams”


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