Day 50 - 52: A Pair of Slippers

Thoughts on our last 52 days…

I think we won. We did so much. We checked boxes, set goals and met them, failed and succeeded. Learned, thought and listened. And overall, I think we won.

I have sat or stood next to my husband many times in the past couple months, sharing meals, doing crosswords, watching musicians, riding in the truck, playing shows, brushing teeth, laying in beds, bellying up to bars, walking down sidewalks.

But tonight, at our last dinner on the road, I sat facing him.

I faced him and I looked at him. I really LOOKED at him. I saw all of the things I see daily. I saw his nose that is the exact length of my pinky finger. I saw his chin that is hidden and shy behind his facial hair. I saw his eyes that never try to avoid confrontation when he has conviction. I saw his cheeks that are thin and freckled with new beard growth. I saw his many little snow colored visitors that have taken root within the amber tenements of his hair. I saw the way his lips still form a little pucker, ready for a trombone, when he wipes his mouth. I saw an almost invisible eyebrow, raised ever so slightly at me in comical disdain for some crass joke I just made. I saw his almost perfect mohawk (after 3 days of travel and sleeping in our truck). I saw his proud posture, held together between his broad shoulders, chest and strong back. I saw my Jared. I saw the things you see. But I saw so much more.

I saw the absolute entirety of my past, present, and future sitting across from me, eating fajitas. I looked at the face that I have been seeking approval from for eighteen years. The arms that have held my sobbing and broken body, the ears that have heard my thunderous laughter, the brain that has contemplated our life path and how to navigate it with such a crazy and unpredictable companion. I sat and stared at this man. My creative combatant. The one whose wrench has been thrown so deep into the spokes of my wheel, my ride will be forever altered. I looked at my Jared…and he looked back.

We will never be like anyone else. We know we are so unapologetically codependent that it is wildly beyond therapeutic assistance. Our thoughts are such that even thinking them is redundant. We’ve already “sub” thought them. Our silences are full blown conversations, (with tangents), and our “out louds” are just role play for entertainment purposes and bathroom breaks. With only as much as five days at a time ever spent apart, we have lived lifetimes together. We have grown acutely aware over the past eighteen years of the uniqueness of our relationship, and how, with something as intertwined as we have, the separation of the “conjoined twins” may very well result in death, so we forge ahead, even more comfortable in our oneness than before. And this is why, in observational moments like I had tonight, as I sit, somewhat removed from my other half, I am in a bit of a “star struck” state.

I will never NOT be madly in love with this human. Anything that has happened from the moment he said, “You wreck me.” has just been gravy. With the exception of our son, who, I am convinced is a deity from another time, my Jared, and the life we have together is everything. We just uprooted our whole process, security, comfort and so much more to go and put ourselves out there and make a big noise. It was crazy, but we always held hands and walked right into everything like, “Fuck it. If this all goes to shit, look who we get to go home with.” It was something we will never forget and never be afraid to try again.

I encourage anyone who has read our blog or followed our journey for any amount of time to do the same for yourself. Take the chances. Try the things. Make a big noise! And I sincerely hope, if you haven’t already, you can find yourself that person. But if the journey is yours to go alone, wonderful! Just do it. Please realize that nothing is ever going to be what you think, want, or expect. It may be better. It may not. But if you have a person whose nose fits your pinky, then, dammit Cinderella, you’ve found your slipper! You have won.